In any showbiz venture,
From Shakespeare down to Keates.
If you want to be successful,
You must put bums on seats.
So listen, Arthur, darling,
Or you won’t get very far.
You won’t succeed in [location],
If you haven’t got a star.
You may have the finest sets,
Fill the stage with penthouse pets.
Your boys may make a noise with loud guitars.
You may fill your plays with strife,
But have Ozzy Osbourne’s wife,
And the audience won’t head off to the bars.
You may tour the looney bins,
For handsome singing twins,
Who sing off-key with dodgy la-la-la.
So get Jedward, they’re not deadwood,
Or maybe just instead,
Could you even get Prince Edward,
At least you’d have a star.
They won’t care if it’s witty,
Or everything looks pretty,
They’ll simply say it’s shitty,
And be sorry that they came.
Nobody will go sir,
You’re no closer to a show sir,
If you’re not successful in the quest for fame.
You may have Tom and Jerry,
You could even book John Terry,
Brian Ferry has a lovely repertoire.
If you cannot get a royal,
Then have Jordan smeared in oil,
Or bring on Susan Boyle,
For there you have a star.
You may try by booking Ringo,
Or Plácido Domingo,
But bingo would do better here I fear.
If you cannot get a great one,
Then you simply must create one,
That’s how you solve a problem like Maria.
For the punters up in Batley,
You can bring on Michael Flatley,
And do an Irish jig for forty bars.
But you do not stand a chance,
Under any circumstance,
If you do a river dance, and you don’t have any stars.
Cast people in your plays,
Like the chap from Songs of Praise.
For the audience has stars in their eyes.
So you think that you can dance,
Well strictly you’ve no chance,
You’re going to lose your shirt and win no prize.
You may find Simon Cowell,
A big pain in the bowel,
But how will you attract all the mamas?
You may have a sexy actor,
But bring on the X-Factor,
You’re in the trash compactor if you don’t have any stars.
To get along in showbiz,
To be on song in showbiz,
To win a gong in showbiz with no scars.
I tell you Arthur king,
There is one essential thing,
There simply must be, Arthur trust me, simply must be stars.